Those little punks. You know who I’m talking about, right?
People who are around you very often, you love them, but you also kind of hate them. I’m not talking about the regular toxic people you can get rid off. I’m talking about friends, family, with behaviors that are just toxic.
I lived through two of these kind of people. The first time, this person actually got rid of me, lol. I had this friend, who was everything I wanted to be. She had perfect eyebrows, was really smart, had a pool in her house, and she was actually really nice too, when you were on her good side. And she got hurt very easily. If you did something to upset her, you had to grovel for forgiveness until you were accepted back. It was hard to be friends with her when you were at the same time, afraid of her.
Eventually, I did something that upset her, and she shut me out for a year, in which she actively bullied me along with my former friends, and ahem, boyfriend (But that idiot is a story for another time).
But of course I didn’t learn. I went back to being friends with them, and then she finally went away with more popular kids. I could finally breathe again, and I learned a valuable lesson. No one should have the power to make you feel inferior in any way. Don’t give it to them.
You may* be around a person with toxic behavior if
- Being around them makes you feel exhausted.
- They make you want to change things about yourself, about how you’re like.
- Even if they’re hurtful, they find the way to make it seem like you’re exaggerating.
- You’re afraid of doing something that might upset them all the time.
* These on their own don’t always mean this is a toxic person, specially the changing things about yourself part, but do pay attention to the signs.
Be ruthless
And what I mean by this is learn to acknowledge those signs, recognize them for what they are. Maybe this is your mother, your sibling, your best friend… And if you love them, all the more reason to not to ignore it. True, people don’t exist to make your life all roses and rainbows, but when they don’t, it isn’t right to just take it either. Your time and your energy are valuable.
Communication is key
Yes, it may be all kinds of awkward but it really is the best way to go. It won’t solve everything immediately, or ever; but this is your best strategy if you want to keep these people in your life in a healthy way.
Politely, but firmly explain to them what is bothering you and why, making emphasis on the fact that you’re pointing it out, not to make them feel bad, but to try to fix it and have a better relationship. People don’t like it when they are only being accused, and when you show empathy, they don’t feel attacked. Yes, I said to be ruthless, but not when talking to them.
Why be polite when they have been anything but, anyway? Because you’re not them. You’re supposed to be better. Someone has to be, for the other to follow. It’s hard, because no one wants to be nice to people who have hurt them, and in that moment no one cares about being the ‘bigger person’ bullshit. But sometimes we have to.
When in high school, I was surrounded by a new diverse group of friends, I was a little paranoid of having problems with each other, so we did this thing. Every time we felt too much stuff was bubbling up inside of us, we would gather to come forward and speak those things, promising to not to get mad if we didn’t like what we heard. We can’t do that anymore since we’re more now and we don’t see each other as much because of college, but this saved us a lot of drama at first.
What if they react aggressively and are offended?
If they completely deny your claims, and refuse to own up to the fact that they haven’t been very nice, then unfortunately, you have to put some distance. Not that possible if they’re your parents or siblings, but with them, emotional distance works.
It’s just not your duty to fix anyone. If their behavior is really affecting you, then distance yourself.
Sometimes it is very hard to cut of yourself from such people, but disconnecting yourself emotionally and focusing on improving yourself help a lot. Nice Article.
This is great advice! 🙂
I had a friend like that once, who you only had to do something slight to upset her, and she wouldn’t talk to you for literally ages, and since she’d remain friends with my other friends, you were essentially just pushed out of the group. After we left high school I did something that offended her (and it was nothing major – I didn’t have the money to go out for her birthday) and I haven’t heard from her since, and I’m all the better for it!
Ugh. It’s hard to actually do the separation yourself. Sometimes we tell ourselves things will get better. And when things are good, it may actually even feel worth the bad parts. But it’s when they’re not there anymore that you realize you really ARE better off like this. You are really awesome so I’m happy for you!